Feeling Content..and Ramblings

I sit here tonight with a glass of local Chardonnay in hand, and dare I say...a lightweight sweater just put on. Last week, we had temps in the 100's and now at almost 10 p.m. it is almost 60 degrees F.  Heavenly weather after a long hot month.

Tonight, I felt like writing.  Sometimes, I feel words wanting to escape, but are they relevant?  Does anyone want to hear my thoughts, complaints, theories, fascinations?

Tonight everyone piled into our bed for some night time stories.  It already was far later that I had planned for bed time...I guess that is what summer time is for.  As requested, we read a book on poems about bears, and a question and answer book about Earth and Space.   I had the children pick out what they wanted to read about.  Of course they found the section about wildland fire.  For our family this is a very "close to home" topic for many reasons.  I asked them the questions from the book, and they easily answered each one in different ways, and sometimes fighting over who got the answer correct first.  From these questions sparked more questions, answers, and stories.  It was fun for me to tell stories of wildland firefighting both from an engine and handcrew perspective.  My daughter at one point asked me if I had worked as a smoke jumper.  My response with a chuckle was no, but I saw lots of adventure.  Goodness....that would have been an amazing adventure, but in all reality, as hard as I may have tried, I am pretty sure I would never have made the cut at smoke jumper tryouts.

Last Summer, for the wildland firefighting community, it was an incredibly tough year.  Fatalities due to fires brought the risk way to close to home, and we lost many good firefighters.  For my children, I have tried to hide this risk from them.  They are young, and don't need to worry. Right now, we await the arrival of my husband, home sometime soon from working on a large wildland fire, and look forward to the new Planes - Fire and Rescue movie, which looks good, and was techinically advised by federal wildland firefighters.  My husband asked us to wait until he came home, so we can all see it together.  I love that.

I love to hear the sound of my husbands voice when he gets the call to respond to a fire, or hear each night about what is happening out in the forests.  From his regular day to day job, he gets a bit of "escape" to go do what he truly loves....fighting wildland fire.  The rest of the year, he does his regular job for us.  That paycheck that makes sure we have food on the table, a comfortable place to live, and activities that help the children move forward in their development.  With all of this he does an amazing job!  I truly couldn't be more proud of him.  As it is, he calls me his "biggest fan".

As for me, the start of the Summer field season has a bittersweet feel to it.  I truly loved wildland firefighting.  I wanted to do that job since I was a young child.  I come from a family that has worked in agriculture,  natural resources management, and wildland firefighting.  It must be in my blood...that's all I can say.

As a young adult age 18 to be specific, I started out working in wildland firefighting.  With sage advice given to me (from my Uncle), I branched out and a tried different jobs within the realm of natural/forestry resource management.  I even have a degree in Forestry.  What I found though is that my  heart always went back to "fire".  I find wildland fire, prescribed fire and naturally caused fire (especially) so incredibly interesting.

During the time that I found myself immersed in projects, fires, and getting myself to where I wanted to be in the wildland firefighting community, I met my husband.  This man, whom from the first conversation, I thought and found to be the most "incredibly nice man", became my focus.

 From this point, my focus in life change.  From working as many hours possible, wanting and waiting for
"the next fire", my life became a little more balanced.  I don't know if this goes for everyone, or just for me, but marriage changes many things in your life.  Becoming a parent changes even more.

I think where I am going with all my ramlblings is this.  My husband and I both grew up in families where our mothers did not work outside the home.  For both of us this was the norm.  For me the decision to start a family wasn't hard.  I found the man of my dreams, and we were both ready to have children.  The hard part was definitely letting go of something I had worked on for 13 plus years.  Work had been everything to me, and I just walked away from it.  That tends to be my nature...cut and dried, cold turkey.

Now granted, I do not think there is a week and sometimes days (honestly) that I do not think about working in wildland fire/ fuels management etc.  I truly believe that my best work is here at home with my three children.  Granted I see friends, and aquaintances who are "moving up the ladder" so to speak.  All power to them.  It is exciting to see others doing so well!  I just don't think I could have done it.  I am an all or nothing type of person.  I would have been  split wondering about what was going on at the day care with my children, and trying to do my job.  I won't deny though that it doesn't hurt.  I would love to be getting those kudos, promotions, and seeing my own ambitions met.  But this is the choice that I made, and I am really okay with it.  I truly think I would not have done a good job on either end.  So for me I had to make a choice.  I chose my family.

Nowdays with homeschooling, a 2nd grader, pre k, and a baby,  shuttling them around to their activities, and household duties, I can hardly think straight.  Seriously, the house is never in order, and you should see my  to-do lists.

All of this gets me to tonight...my conversations and stories with three little ones about poetry, bears, and wildland fire.  I found myself immersed in snuggles, a child falling asleep at the breast, the oldest snuggled up next to the baby, and the middle child asleep in the crib at the end of the bed with his mama made blanket( I don't even know why we have a crib... it only gets used by the oldest who use it a as a bunk bed...one in it and one under it many nights).  I can't imagine missing any of their growing up years.  It is going so quickly!  In a few years,  I will have a tween, and then a teenager.  How is this?  Serioulsy, I would swear my daugher was just born yesterday.

As the skies darken with thunderheads, and lightening, air tankers fly and aircranes fly overhead, the sirens blare, and smoke fills the sky, I do miss the fun, the mentally and physically exhasuting times, the exciting fire behavior and effects. Yes, I suppose I could have done many things for the public, community and landscape, but I also think of how much I would have missed.

As quiet sighs, and breaths turned to quiet snores and silence, this is where I felt content, and yes this is where I know I should be.